Exactly one year ago, I shaved my own mom's head.
The whole experience I have gone through was not exactly easy but I thought I could make everything feel bearable, but alas, after my mom passed away everything went south. Instead of being pushed to be self-aware, my mind betrayed me as it tried to compartmentalise the trauma of losing my mom to breast cancer. I began fearing any cancer diagnosis and treatment.
Cancer runs in my family, and breast cancer leads the pack. Both of my maternal grandparents had breast cancer. It was not exactly a surprise that my mom was eventually diagnosed with the disease as well. But it was not until I was shaving my mom’s head, that I realized there’s a very good chance that one day my kid or friend or husband would one day do the same thing for me, under very similar circumstances.
Finding out my mom had breast cancer was a shock to my system. I had kept relatively calm as she told me her diagnosis on the phone, but after ending the call, I broke down, crying into my husband’s chest in the middle of our living room, full of fear for her future. I quickly went into caregiver mode, focusing my energy and thoughts on her needs. It was not until I shaved my mom’s head that I felt that fear creeping back in but this time it was for myself.
My mom’s diagnosis changed my perspective on my own health
Since my mother’s diagnosis put my own genetic risk into sharp focus, I did the same thing I always do when I get scared, I researched. I became fixated on stats about breast cancer research and breast cancer screening in Singapore because I assumed this illness was some sort of warped family legacy I couldn’t avoid.
It makes sense that my thoughts didn’t immediately go to my personal well-being— was, after all, in good health. It also took time for my mom to consider the implications of her family history of breast cancer could have on her own health. When her parents got sick, she chalked it up to poor lifestyle habits or bad luck. It wasn’t until she spoke to her own doctor about mammogram frequency that she realized—especially with her father’s diagnosis—she was in a new group of cancer screening. A high-risk one.
Then, when she learned she had cancer, her fear became wrapped up in her treatment more than her diagnosis, because of her experience with her parents’ illnesses. “The thing that really scared me was that, instead of going through chemotherapy a third time when she was diagnosed with bone cancer, my mother chose instead to die,” my mom says. “She died at the same age that I am now, and that scared the crap out of me.” Although she knew treatment had come a long way in the 20-odd years since her own mother’s death, it was a hard image to shake.
It seemed necessary to focus on my mom during her treatment and it was easy to think about the steps to take to care for her, in fact, they were laid out pretty clearly by her doctors. But it was harder to understand what I needed to do for myself to mitigate my fear and to move forward once I started to redirect some of my focus back to my own feelings. While I did find much of my research helpful, it was research without direction, and it was difficult to determine what applied to me. When my mom mentioned that the practitioner who talked her through her genetic test results had offered to talk to my sister and me about what those results meant for us, I jumped at the chance to understand the disease on a more personal level—and to consider the steps to take to be proactive and go the nearest cancer management centre immediately.
Overcoming the fear
If one day I do find myself with the same diagnosis, I will remember her strength and resilience and hopefully, I will have a whole arsenal of protective factors to help me through. I think about something else my mom said after her cancer treatment: “It’s been tough, but I’m stronger than I thought I was.” Though I doubt there’s a genetic test to prove it, there is a good chance I am too.
So I went to the International Cancer Specialist here in Singapore and had my first breast cancer screening. I am not that scared anymore because of the strength my mom imparted to me. While the results are negative, I am aware that I would have to continue with my regular checkups for countermeasure.
If you are looking for a good cancer management centre even for prostate cancer tests in Singapore, I highly recommend the International Cancer Specialist, they are the professionals that helped me and assured me that there is nothing wrong in getting screened.
